I’ve got some thoughts that I just keep rolling around in my head that I need to sit down and get into blog posts. Between work, school, the best toddler in the world, thousands of household chores, and oh yeah, we’re moving…. I just can’t whittle out the time to write.

But today, I must have heard or read something that I just can’t shake. I don’t remember what started me thinking about this. And ultimately, it’s led me to some major repentance.

I’m type-A, a rule follower to a fault, and it feeds a major issue with self-righteousness. I do a pretty good job at making it look like I have it all together (most of the time). I’m not telling you anything I haven’t repeated a thousand times before, but under this hard I-can-handle-it-all exterior, I have some major issues with fear that are becoming more and more like anxiety. It’s even tougher because I feel like it conflicts with the hope and faith I have in my God. Why would I be afraid when the worst thing that could happen to me was taken care of Jesus Christ on the cross?

O, death, where is your sting? (1 Corinthians 15:55)

But today, I saw it. An idol. One of many, I’m sure…

Self-preservation.

The truth is, I have come to want to preserve myself, my health, my little perfect family, more than anything. More than anything. And because I know I can’t truly control this, I have major fear that my idol will be taken from me, and I won’t be able to preserve myself or those I love. My fear and anxiety are being fueled by my idol of self-preservation. If I can just beg God enough to keep me well, I’ll read, I’ll pray, I’ll do all the right things, if He can just keep me from suffering.

Yuck.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:39)

The type-A self-righteous me likes to think I have it all together. Until I remember, that I have zero control, and then I panic. BUT. The One who is in control is good, He is loving, and He is kind. He uses suffering to display His glory, and I have to repent of my idol of self-preservation. It’s scary to me because I don’t want trials, and I don’t want suffering (we can be honest, right?). But, God is good, and “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I will still pray for Him to keep me and my family healthy. But I want to rest in knowing that He has preserved my life eternally.

He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, the LORD has spoken. (Isaiah 25:8)